Thoughts about Losing Joy in Drawing

Is there anyone else out there who is having a hard time being creative during lockdown? For the past several months, I’ve had difficulties creating artworks for myself. What I mean is, artworks that I enjoy making, and happy with the result in the end. Often times I find myself looking back at my old artworks and thought of something along the lines of, “My previous artworks are better than my current one” or “Why can’t I draw like that again?”. Of course, I don’t know if that’s true or it’s just my head talking negatively about myself. I am very sure other people will have different views than me.

In conclusion, I feel like I’ve lost the joy and interest in drawing. Something that I never thought could’ve happen. As a person who is not really good with words, I find drawing as the best and most satisfying way to express myself. With words, things could feel very definite and final. Words could be hurtful when used in a wrong way, which is the reason I’m a bit scared of using words to express myself. Whereas in drawings, it is possible to be vague, while still conveying some sort of meaning or feeling. So, when I lose that joy in drawing, it feels a bit like losing meaning in myself.

Unfortunately, I don’t really know the reason behind this loss. The most possible reason that I could think of could be summed up with the word ‘change’. We all experienced this alright. With covid19 hitting so suddenly last year. Many changes need to happen and fast. Change in lifestyle, work, environment, etc. The problem is, although I understand very well that change is very normal, I don’t think I’m very good at handling change. My brain craves routine and security, which is a little tough to do nowadays.

I really want to get back to liking drawing, because of the drawing itself, and not because of likes on social media, or work demands, or others. There are some things I’m currently trying, to work out this problem. I am trying my hands on writing (hence the blog), although I’m not pressuring myself to write more than I can. I am trying to control my social media hours (especially instagram), so that I won’t feel overwhelmed. I am trying to connect with friends via video call sessions, so that we could converse as if we are meeting face to face in real life, for some quality time. And I am trying to keep on drawing and creating for myself, even if it is only once a week.

I know there should be a lot more that I can do, but these are things that I am most capable of doing in the mean time. I believe every effort matters and hopefully, I could do more in the future. I really want to regain the feeling that was lost during all the change that has happened, and hopefully these efforts could pave a way back to where I want to be.